CREATING AN ATMOSPHERE OF LOVE

. . . with loving kindness have I drawn thee. Jeremiah 31:3

Until now, we have talked about the things which cause frustration in the bedroom. What must be considered is many times there are problems that start in the kitchen, the living room, or even in the car that tend to be hindrances in the bedroom. The lack of affection may be due to offenses which started outside of the bedroom.

It is erroneous to think you can be unaffectionate, inconsiderate and impatient in areas outside the bedroom, and then expect to receive love, affection and consideration in the bedroom. These all start in your everyday living. You live outside of the bed, not in the bed. For example, there are a lot of Christian women who don't engage in sexual intercourse on a regular basis with their husbands. They fail to supply him with the kindness, love, affection and consideration that is necessary to keep the romance in the relationship. Some even put their husbands on a schedule.

Let us look at some of the reasons why a woman would defraud her husband in sexual intercourse.

• Is it she is so sanctified and religious that she feels sex is not necessary?
• Is it she is so frustrated and unsatisfied with the act itself, she allows sexual intercourse only when she has to indulge?
• Maybe she is frigid and unresponsive.

All of these are possibilities which must be explored.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Married people should not have to plan a schedule to make love to one another. If your husband wants to make love with you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, it's all right. The scripture says a woman does not have power of her own body. However, the husband does. When you defraud one another, you give place to the devil. The only time it is right to withhold sex from your mate is when both parties agree to give themselves over to fasting and prayer. In order for a man or woman to regain a thirst and a hunger to satisfy their mate, the unsatisfied one must be willing to bring the partner back to the original things that were done in the relationship during the time of courtship. However, if the spirit of pride is operating in the unsatisfied mate, then he or she will forfeit the opportunity to redeem the love that once filled the union.

If you leave your mate void of the things he desires, the enemy will set him up with someone to fill that void. Have you ever noticed how patient, kind or soft-spoken your spouse is with someone else? What's happening is there is something you stopped supplying that your spouse is looking for somewhere else. If it is the husband who is suffering the void, he has moved the wife into another category. You are no longer a sweetheart. You are considered only a wife. This spells convenience. You are the mother, the housekeeper, the cook and the one who keeps the clothes clean. You're the one who is going to be there when he comes home. When your mate can be kind, patient, loving and soft-spoken with someone else, he is trying to provoke something in that person that he has stopped trying to provoke in you. There may have been a time when he was trying to provoke it in you, but he couldn't get the desired result.

Anytime a man has a sweetheart, he is always in pursuit of her affection. He is going to do those things which will cause her to reciprocate his affection for her. When the love has waxed cold with his wife, he goes to his sweetheart for romance. He is trying to make an impression on his sweetheart. When you start taking your mate for granted, his mindset toward you will change. Every human wants affection, even if they do not know how to receive it. There is a built-in desire (by God) for it. When a person does not know how to receive affection (love) they will sometimes come up with their ways which may be perverted.

Lost Affection

Let us deal with this from the woman's perspective. What can a wife do when she realizes she has lost affection for her husband? How does she get that romance back into the marriage, especially when both of them are still in love? There may be so many offenses on both sides that neither one is forgiving. Therefore, pride begins to rule the relationship. If you don't deal with offenses, you will build on top of them. Offenses will occur in the relationship and make you miserable. Let us use the woman's attempt to bring the romance back in the relationship. By building him up in every way possible and allowing herself to be vulnerable to the truth (as he sees it), he will become more responsive in his conversation. She must encourage him to talk about the things he desires in the relationship. In his talking, she will discover what he considers to be weaknesses in her and in their marriage.

Stimulating Romance

A man can love his wife, but she can be neglectful in certain areas. She must cater to those areas of neglect, because they are important to her mate. I want to give you something to use as a measuring stick to determine whether you have done everything in the natural to stimulate the romance you desire in the relationship. If you were to meet another man, the first thing you would experience is a freedom of communication and expression. This is what you are missing in your marriage. With a new man, there are no threats. Therefore, there are no restraints. You would be whatever you weren't able to be in the marriage, because your husband is unresponsive. However, you would determine just how much freedom of expression existed, by doing all the things that were suppressed in the marriage.

If you are operating in unforgiveness and pride, you not only have a problem in your relationship with your mate but also your relationship with your God. This is even more dangerous. If you can identify with this operation, then you have just identified the resentment you harbor for your husband because of things that happened in the marriage; things you have not forgiven. It is easier for you to be real and open with another man than to lay aside your pride and unforgiveness long enough to retrieve the love that has waxed cold. You can do the same things with your husband as you could with a stranger. You must move past his rejection of your efforts, and love him to the point of provocation. You can provoke the expression of that love that he has for you. But, pride destroys your chances of being happy again. Pride is not your friend, it is your worst enemy. If you love that man, get up and do the things you did when you first met him. Court him. Make him feel good again. Forgive him for not being responsive to your needs and desires. Stop blaming him. You are the one who is offended. Deliver yourself from the offense. Look at the things you have taken out of the relationship. Pride is the biggest demon in the relationship. It is the greatest hindrance to love. It is selfishness. It will cause you to forfeit love and happiness.

A Lack of Natural and Spiritual Growth can Hinder the Flow of Love

It is a detriment for one mate to outgrow the other. Even in spiritual things, the couple must grow together, or there will be serious problems in the marriage. This can turn the marriage into an unequal yoke. These problems will eventually find their way into the bedroom. The love-making may be good now, but the sexual act is not enough to keep the marriage alive. When a person suppresses things that bother him outside of the bedroom, the affection in the bedroom will soon diminish. Even when a man is skillful in the bedroom, without spiritual and natural growth, the woman can grow weary of the sexual interlude. It begins to lose its meaning because they have nothing in common once they leave the bed.

Maintaining a healthy interaction with life together is critical. This will allow you to have a flow of affection and expression of appreciation. Don't allow your spouse to grow to a level of comprehension and awareness that you cannot experience. Grow together.

Why Do Women Lie To Men About Sexual Fulfillment?

Basically, she loves him so much she does not want to bruise his ego by hurting or belittling him. Most men harbor an erroneous mindset about satisfying a woman in the bedroom. Men tend to believe that women are so much harder to satisfy than men. This is a gross misconception. Some men believe that because they can produce a child, their mate has experienced sexual fulfilment. This too is another misconception. It is not necessary for a woman to reach sexual orgasm in order for the seed of the man to be planted (to become pregnant).

Ignorance In The Bedroom

When a man is ignorant of what happens in the bed, a woman can help him to understand and lovingly guide him through the process of satisfying her. This must be done in wisdom and love, so she does not become a drill sergeant in the bedroom. It is easier for a woman to teach a man how to please her sexually than it is to teach him about things outside of the bedroom. The average woman doesn't just want sex. She also wants romance. She wants him to touch her soulish parts and minister to the disposition of her mind. Speak kind words of love and encouragement to build her up. Learn to be patient, and take the time to discover the innermost feelings of your mate. The same is true about the man. Women, you must find and cater to the things that reach into his soul. Praise God for this mechanism to tap into these mindsets. Do not be ashamed to ask God to teach you how to satisfy your mate and do not be afraid to ask your mate what satisfies them.

You May Have To Learn How To Produce An Orgasm

Learn how to please your spouse within the confines of scripture. For example:

1. A Clitoral Orgasm: A suggested position for the woman to take during sexual intercourse is to straddle the man. She positions herself in such a way that there is stimulation of the vagina, as well as the clitoris. In this manner, it is possible for her to reach either a clitoral orgasm or a vaginal one. Other positions can produce a clitoral orgasm, whereby the clitoris is stimulated. Yet, the preceding method can impose stimulation and satisfaction for the woman. Men, allow your wives to teach you. Stimulation methods are very helpful.

1. Vaginal Orgasm: When the man is inside of the woman, she is able to contract her vaginal muscles so that the vaginal tract is tightened. This allows her to receive more sensations from the movement of him inside of her. The mind also plays an important role. It focuses itself on the movement of the muscles in the womb and this causes her to experience a vaginal orgasm. This is by far the most satisfying method of orgasm.

1. Erection: There are cases where men continuously experience premature ejaculation or may not be able to maintain an erection for any length of time. There are prescribed drugs and surgical procedures which can be obtained through a physician that will enable him to not only please his mate, but to find more fulfilment in sex.

Artificial Devices

Is it lawful for a couple to use artificial devices during sexual intercourse?

Romans 1:26-27 talks about the man leaving the natural use of the woman. When he does leave the natural operations of inter-course to do that which is unnatural, the only place to go is the imagination and the devices that have been created by the imaginations of others. The sexual interlude was designed for the operation of flesh and not the imagination. It is to be performed by the things that God the Father has supplied us. If you use artificial devices, where are the limits? When you begin to deal with the imagination, there are no limits. The use of these devices will create new desires that are unlawful. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband . . .Proverbs 12:4

Cleanliness

Spouses can receive such fulfilment from each other, that there is no need to seek for someone outside the marriage. Husbands and wives must take care of themselves physically, as well as spiritually. Sexual intercourse is an interlude that should include the entire body. Each spouse should be able to make love to the entire body of the other by touching, kissing and caressing. Cleanliness can be a way of creating a hunger and thirst in your mate to satisfy you. It makes a difference in marital relationships. A clean woman is more appealing. In some instances, women are not clean housekeepers. A filthy house is a turn-off to many men, even if they help to get it dirty. A decent man does not like to lay down in filth.

We have had little teaching in the church on these domestic situations, but it is necessary. Women need to become more sensitive to being chaste housekeepers. This is what the Word says. A man can be distracted by coming home to a filthy environment. When he gets tired of this, it is easier for him to hang out elsewhere. If a woman is not mindful of her house, she could also be neglectful of her body. You can tell a filthy house by its odor. When you have food lying around the house all the time, it carries a certain odor. This can discourage others not to eat there. This too can be unappealing to a man. If a woman won't take care of her house, it is doubtful that she takes care of her body.

If you are the type of woman who has to run and clean up every time someone knocks on the door, your husband is mindful of this. He could develop a mindset that the same is true in regard to your bathing. Therefore, he won't make love to you until it's time to go to bed. By then, you probably have taken a bath. These are real situations. If you are the type of woman who hides dirt in the house, you can most likely fix up your visible parts that others can see. A woman has to take time to take care of herself so she will always be appealing. A man may be hesitant to enter into romance or foreplay because the wife carries a body odor. Though he may not tell you, he is turned off by it. Some men don't like kissing their wives because they don't take care of their breath and some men may not enjoy talking to their wives for the same reason. Bad breath is a turn-off.

Brushing your teeth in the morning is not enough. Bad breath and body odor are unpleasant. Men also need to regard personal hygiene. It is not enough to just splash cologne on yourself without bathing. Men should also be mindful of their private parts. Remembering he urinates several times daily, a man must be cautious and particular about the faint odor of urine on the lower part of the body. This could be why your spouse doesn't want to lay her head on your lap. This odor comes through your pants. A man must be mindful of this. If you carry such an odor, your wife knows you are not clean. Men, foot odors can also be a tremendous distraction. Your spouse may want to kiss your feet. Carrying a heavy foot odor can be caused by wearing the same socks too many times without washing them. Another cause is neglecting to wash and dry between your toes. Take care of your feet by using foot powder. Foot odor can cause your spouse to leave the room. If you really love your spouse, you will be mindful and not offensive. These can be a real “turn-off” to sexual intercourse. They sound like common sense things, and they are. Therefore, we need to be mindful of them. Many of these problems hinder a relationship. Take care of your personal body.

Cleanliness During Menstruation

Women must do certain things which keep their bodies clean inside and out. If you enjoy foreplay and want your husband to be romantic, do those things which will stimulate foreplay. Be sensitive and mindful of your husband. Wear the types of perfume that are appealing to him and are tasteful and not bitter. When a woman is having her menstrual cycle, she should take several baths a day. During this time, her pores are open and the toxins from her body come strongly through her pores. Therefore, a thorough bath is necessary. Having sexual intercourse during menstruation is unclean. The scriptures define it as unclean in the Old Covenant. Now, we are not locked into the laws and ordinances of the Old Covenant. This is not something that God will send us to hell over. However, common sense tells us that menstruation is a time of purging of the female body. It is a time when we need to allow the body to cleanse itself, and we are not to interfere with this cycle.

Circumcision

Brothers must also be mindful of circumcision. One advantage of circumcision is it is more difficult to trap materials under the foreskin of the penis. The foreskin is cut so bacteria, germs and other particles won't be trapped there. If you are uncircumcised, you need to be more careful in your washing or bathing. Take care of that which is under the foreskin.