THE PROGRESSION OF ABUSE

Let’s establish a foundation from the Word about abuse. What it does, what it produces, how the enemy used the abuser and how the enemy can still use you inside the abuse.

2 Samuel 13:1

1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.

In the natural when reading this, Amnon loved his sister. It sounds good until you read the rest of the chapter and begin to see how perverted, lustful and unnatural his love was for his sister.

2 Samuel 13:2

And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her.

Verse 2 says it was hard for him to do anything to her. This means he had already thought about it. You do not wake up one day and just begin sexually abusing anyone or beating your wife or murdering your husband. There is a progression of sin.

2 Samuel 13:3

But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother: and Jonadab was a very subtil man.

Subtil in this verse means very crafty or treacherous.

2 Samuel 13:4

And he said unto him, Why art thou, being the king's son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister.

When we refuse to allow the Holy Spirit access to the way we think our thinking will eventually lead us into sin. He finally verbalized what was in his imagination. YOUR IMAGINATION BUILDS SCENARIOS AND PRODUCES IMAGES OF WHAT YOU WANT. We can only suppress our imagination for so long and then will power runs out and in comes the abuse.

2 Samuel 13:5

And Jonadab said unto him, Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.

Here we see control and manipulation. A significant fact about Tamar is her name means palm. God gave names specifically for personality or for that which He wanted to accomplish in an individual’s life.

2 Samuel 13:9

And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him.

What did Amnon do? He made the right setting. He is going to wait until everybody leaves or everyone is asleep. Why? Because he had plans already. This was already in his heart to do it. The lie and the plan are coming into place.

2 Samuel 13:10

10 And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother.

11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.

The unrenewed fleshy mind has no regard for the rights of others. To take hold of means to get into one’s hands or possession by power or control; to capture physically; to expose oneself to pleasure or physical benefit; to be seized by. There is an abused heart inside any type of abuse. OUR HEART IS OUR IMAGINATION. God meant it for good and to honor Him, but the devil perverted our imagination. When we have flashbacks of the abuse, what happens? We relive it over and over again. We can be in an abusive situation and that will add to what we have already been through. It solidifies everything we already think about ourselves. It causes us to continue to walk in that lie that God wants to destroy. Force brings anger, disgust and fear. All of these are signs of rebellion. That is why the abused becomes the abuser. It is rebellion of the heart. It produces the meanness, a hard heart, which we still believe to be us. An abused victim will sometimes blame his or herself for not stopping their attacker. For example, how can a six-year old little girl stop a six-foot man from sexually abusing her? She has no strength against an adult man. The anger and rage inside the abuser has far more strength than the one being abused. The victim does not know which way to turn but to internalize his/her feelings, thus being consumed with him/herself and what has happened to him/her.

2 Samuel 13:12

And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.

Tamar refused her brother. She begged him not to force her and not to do this folly. Folly means to express hatred; a strong dislike of one’s heart toward another; rage; anger. She did not curse her brother but she knew which word to use to get her point across. This was her way of getting back. The rage and anger that has always been there in our hearts is coming alive again. We may not know why we cannot stand a certain person, but they may do something that reminds us just a little bit of what happened to us in our past.

Tamar was a victim of Amnon’s sin.

Victim -

1. One harmed or killed by another.

2. One harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition.

3. One tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of. Webster’s Dictionary

Love does not take advantage of others. What will fear do? Fear will tell us to put up walls of protection for it is dangerous to have a relationship with this person. They might hurt us too. It may not be sexual abuse either. It may be something as simple as not calling when you said you would or asking me how I feel. Now the pattern and cycle begin all over again. Our mind tells us it is best to stay alone so no one can have an advantage over us again. It is doing exactly what it was designed to do . . . keep you alone with “me, myself and I.” What a great trio!

2 Samuel 13:13

And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee.

This is Tamar’s retribution. But nothing moved her brother because he had already purposed in his heart (imagination) what he was going to do to her. To whither means to be made or to become a gazingstock. You do not want to become a gazingstock. You do not want people to think less of you. This is why we stay. Even amongst everything that we hear about abuse we still do not want to be a gazingstock or be made one.

Shame means to bring dishonor; disgrace; caused by an awareness of wrong doing; hurt; guilt; to cover; hide; fatal to one’s self-esteem; to withdraw; hold back; never give.

We were created to be givers. When we come into God we bring all these things, our past, with us, but we must humble ourselves to the Lord as we seek forgiveness. We may obtain much knowledge in what church setting we attend but knowledge is never influenced. We can gain all the knowledge in the world but never be influenced by God in our heart. It takes the grace of God to do that in our lives.

2 Samuel 13:14

Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

Fear will alienate us from people.

Lay with her means intercourse; physical force; damage; roughness in action. How many times have we been in a position where we asked our abuser to stop but they would not listen. The more we asked the more infuriated they became, making things worse. Anything done to anyone by force is an abuse. No one has a right to force you into anything you do not want to do. When young children are sexually abused they can mistake the act for pleasure. It is our God given right to have sexual intercourse inside the boundaries of marriage. When you are sexually abused you can still have an orgasm. All one has to do is touch you the right way and know where to touch and you cannot stop it. Therefore the orgasm is associated with the act. You like it and it is pleasurable to you. THE ACT OF VIOLATION IS NOT THE PLEASURE BUT THE FEELING THAT COMES AS A RESULT OF THE ACT. The feeling is given over prematurely. What was designed for a husband and wife to experience inside the boundaries of marriage became perverted when the seed of iniquity came in.

2 Samuel 13:15

Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.

In other words, Amnon told her, “Get out! I got what I wanted so get out!” Then means in that time; in that case. He wanted her so much right at that moment but once that lust was fulfilled, that was it . . . get out!

2 Samuel 13:16-17

16 And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her.

17 Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.

No longer is Tamar the fair, clean, virgin sister but is now “this woman” and Amnon wants her out of his sight. Then he has the audacity to lock her out after what he did to her.

2 Samuel 13:18

And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her.

Her clothing always represented her virginity. However, they no longer represented her purity and cleanliness. She could not even put her clothes on.

2 Samuel 13:19

And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.

Pervert -

1. To cause to turn from what is considered morally right: CORRUPT.

2. To reduce to a lower condition: DEBASE.

3. To use incorrectly: MISUSE. Webster’s Dictionary

The word rent means grief, anger. Something was taken from her that she did not give permission to be taken. By force, anger, control and manipulation, everything was taken from her in a moment, in an instant.

2 Samuel 13:20

And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house.

When we do not tell anyone what is happening or has happened to us, we constantly think it is our fault. We become tormented in our minds and this is where the abuse to ourselves comes in. WE ABUSE OURSELVES WITH RAGE, ANGER, BITTERNESS AND UNFORGIVENESS. Tamar goes to her brother Absalom and he tells her not to tell anyone, keep it quiet. We will be mean until the day we die. We figure we survived without love, so will everyone we come in contact with. We will not give what we have never received.

Mean -

1. Miserly: stingy.

2. Lacking elevating human qualities as kindness and good will.

3. Reluctant to oblige or accommodate.

4. Displaying malice: MALICIOUS.

5. Hard to cope with: DIFFICULT. Webster’s Dictionary

The subtlety of the enemy will have us believing we have given so much, when this is a great deception because we have not given from our hearts. Remember, it is by the heart that God judges us. Tamar continued to stay desolate. This means to continue to stay as others go on; to remain; to be left to exist. We stay desolate because of the shame. She had to suffer never being able to verbalize what happened to her. This is torment, grief, loneliness and isolation. This leads to depression.

2 Samuel 13:22

And Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad: for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had forced his sister Tamar.

It brought hatred from Absalom toward his brother Amnon.

2 Samuel 13:23

And it came to pass after two full years, that Absalom had sheepshearers in Baalhazor, which is beside Ephraim: and Absalom invited all the king's sons.

2 Samuel 13:32

. . . Let not my lord suppose that they have slain all the young men the king's sons; for Amnon only is dead: for by the appointment of Absalom this hath been determined from the day that he forced his sister Tamar.

Absalom had determined from the day his sister was raped to kill Amnon. For two years we do not read anything about Tamar but vengeance was in the heart of the brother. You can plot murder in your heart against someone, but this does not mean you are healed once they are gone.

2 Samuel 14:27

And unto Absalom there were born three sons, and one daughter, whose name was Tamar: she was a woman of a fair countenance.

God always judges the disposition of our heart. The meaning of the name Tamar is also victory, triumph and joy. He named his daughter what should have been for his sister. But his sister remained desolate. She never went on with life. She is never mentioned again in the Bible. Just one experience of abuse destroyed her whole life. It does not matter if you have been abused once, twice or for years, the progression is still the same. But God is still faithful and He can and will restore us if we allow Him to.