Meanness

We are the sons of God, created in righteousness and love. We have the express personage of Christ dwelling within. Yet many of us are mean and hateful in our dealings with others. We are offensive in character and indifferent in emotions. Are these the attributes of those who have inherited the divine nature of our God? I think not.

But why are the saints of God mean? Beloved, hear me. For the saints of God, mean- ness is either learned or resurrected behavior. What do I mean by this? Simply that we who are born again are new creatures; old things are passed away.

I Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8 Charity never faileth…

One may ask the question, “Is it possible to be born mean?” The answer is yes. Those who are not of the righteous seed, are born in sin and shaped in the iniquity of satan. This iniquity is manifested in many different ways and characteristics. Nevertheless, and most certain, meanness for the people of God is either learned or self-taught behavior.

According to the dictionary, heartless, callous, cruel, unkind, malicious and spiteful are all synonyms for meanness. Notice the first two, heartless and callous. Both of these suggest that meanness begins in the heart. I suggest to you that it is a disposition of the heart that is developed as a result of a decision to walk after the flesh in dealing with life’s experiences.

In this chapter, I want to consider that many of the saints of God either know or are directly related to someone they would like to see delivered from meanness. Of course we know that the answer is salvation; which delivers and produces the character of Christ. However, many people in our circles of influence who are saved, still come to us for counsel. Many live with spouses, parents or friends who are simply mean and hateful in their dealings with others.

These saints do not know how to deal with such character, nor do they know how to counsel others who may be encountering the same. It is important that you keep in the forefront of your mind the fact that saints of God, the truly “born-again”, must train or rather retrain themselves to become mean and indifferent toward others. Since they are new creatures in Christ Jesus, this disposition is not inherent in them. It is a foreign mindset, an evil disposition of the heart and a cruel insult to the Father.

The simple resolution to such behavior for the saints, is an obedient response to the chastisement of the Word, which demands they submit, repent and continue their walk in the Spirit. But for the benefit of learning how to minister to those who suffer as captives or victims of this mindset, we will discuss some root causes that will serve to identify the fetters that bind this spiritual disease to the saved and unsaved.

The reason we are able to discuss meanness as captivity for the lost and a choice for the saint simultaneously, is because, once a son of God chooses to walk in the flesh, he or she will return to, or revisit, the character of the old man they once were. Therefore, for the sake of understanding, we will discuss this mindset from that perspective.

LOVE AND AFFECTION

It is a natural instinct for all mankind to desire love and affection. Even God desires to be loved and affectionately entreated. When children grow up in an environment void of these elements, they are subject to respond with character traits void of love and affection. They invariably become mean and hateful. There is an old saying which states, “You can’t miss what you never had.” This is not true. In many cases one can come to hate that which they never had.

For instance, a child grows up in the environment mentioned above, void of love and affection. Yet, he or she is surrounded by other families whose dispositions are just the opposite. The parents in these homes are kind and thoughtful to their children. Even the people on the sitcoms are loving and caring. They are not indifferent or unconcerned. Although the child may love his or her parents, that love is stressed and strained as he or she tries to survive the parents' negative mannerisms.

At some point in time, the child will reach a pivotal point wherein he could move in any spiritual direction capable of shaping his character for the rest of his life. He could become an introvert, not able or wanting to express the deep need or desire for love and affection. Oftentimes, these introverts are resourceful enough to turn rejection and indifference into hidden passages that allow them to travel deep into their soul, ending up in a place called ‘the imagination.’ Here they are safe from verbal abuse and rejection.

However, the imagination, as you will learn, is a place where another world void of God’s influence can be created. It offers the introvert an opportunity to deal with those who rejected or were indifferent toward him, or to go even further in acting out bitter rage and violence. In some cases, such rage and violence is acted out in the imagination until it is presented with an opportunity to be lived out in the real world. This scenario is often manifested in the behavior of serial killers, rapists and murderers. We also see this in the psychotic behavior of schizophrenics. When meanness is a reaction to a lack of love and understanding, it is used to cover one’s true feelings. It becomes the opposite of love. It is to be pettily bad-tempered, disagreeable and hard to cope with.

In other words, the lack of these human essentials gender meanness, which is really a façade and a mere hiding place to shield true feelings. One could become extremely hostile or violent, always looking for someone or something at which to strike. The lack of love leaves a void in us that cannot be filled by anything else. Nevertheless, we will try to find a substitute. For some, hostility, hatred, even violence is the answer. Could that possibly be the reason the love of God towards us is so effectual?

WHEN MEANNESS IS LEARNED BEHAVIOR

The strangest fact about this mindset is that in many cases you may be more giving, kind and tolerant with those who are not intimately involved with you. But the one who shares your vows and your bed is the one you can’t see to give the benefit of the doubt, not the benefit of your love. Why is this? It certainly seems the opposite would be true. Nevertheless, the sad fact is the spouse who offends in any matter is the one who receives the harshest punishment. But let’s not stop there. It is also true that the spouse does not have to be offensive at all, to be victimized by this mindset.

The truth is, spouses, children, parents, or intimate friends are the ones who owe you love and loyalty, and they are also the ones who expect to receive the same from you. Here then is a ready-made stage for venting the mindset that was developed from the indifference or meanness you experienced as a child or from other relationships.

You expected those in your past who owed you love and understanding to provide it. However, they failed to do so. Whatever the reasons were, they did not give you the love and consideration you craved. Therefore, you feel no one deserves to be given what they expect from you. You didn’t get it, so why should they be so blessed by you. This is only one manifestation of this spiritual disposition. There are others.

INDIFFERENCE

In some situations, children experienced parents who may not have been what we may define as mean, but who were extremely indifferent. The things that really mattered to the child were treated as unimportant and totally unnecessary. This indifference could have left the child in a state of suppression, causing him or her to become introverted and repressed. However, in some cases, the child began to strike back with rebellion in the form of meanness. You too, may have become indifferent to the situations and circumstances in the lives of others.

You may not be sympathetic to their hurts or disappointments simply because no one regarded your pain or disappointments. If you are not sensitive to the spiritual disposition of others (Philippians 2:4), this insensitivity is a lack of love on your part. It will not allow you to empathize with the disposition of another, because to do so would be an act of mercy and grace. Since you believe no one provided you with mercy or grace (at the times when you felt you really needed it), you find it difficult to provide others with such affection.

SELFISHNESS

On the other hand, the root of your meanness could be selfishness. In fact, you may be one who had very good, kind and loving parents. They could have been very conscientious of your every need. They may have been there when you needed them the most. They could have reached out to you in every way possible to make your life happy and full of joy. Nevertheless, you ended up meaner than a rattlesnake. Why? Maybe you are just plain selfish. Could it be you interpreted their love as entitlement? Perhaps you feel everyone should cater to your every desire. If so, you will most certainly attempt to take advantage of those who love you. You might even go so far as to verbally and/or physically abuse them. In addition, selfishness has no regard for the disposition of others. It is a watchful eye on the things that affect you and only you. You do not care if someone else suffered or was displaced, as long as your desire was satisfied.

SEXUAL FRUSTRATION

The root of your meanness could be sexual frustration. Many married men and women are experiencing the effects of the meanness of their companions due to a lack of sexual fulfillment. This is a real problem in the lives of the saints of God. The Church has refused to address this issue head-on, but it can no longer look the other way while marriages are falling apart and spouses hate the thought of each other.

If you are suffering from both a lack of affection and/or a lack of sexual fulfillment with your spouse, then you must learn to deal with this situation God’s way. First, you must believe the Word of God has the answer that will deliver you from this anguish. Second, you must realize it is the will of God for you to be satisfied sexually in your marriage. The Lord wants us to be happy. He knows that sexual frustration is the one thing that will make you most miserable in your attempt to serve and obey your husband, or to love and cherish your wife.

These frustrations can cause your heart to harden against your spouse and eventually destroy your marriage. You see, when the affections of the flesh are stimulated, they produce emotions in the heart. When the body is satisfied by the sexual act, it will cause the soul to be at ease and soothed. However, when the flesh is unfulfilled, it can cause the soul to be traumatized.

This trauma causes the emotions to be disrupted. Therefore, the heart is not supplied with the necessary ingredients for producing a favorable emotion. The love is there and the kindness is real, but the flesh is not brought to a point of fulfillment or possibly physical affection is absent. The husband may be totally selfish or unlearned as it relates to his wife’s satisfaction. The wife on the other hand may be frigid and cold, without affection, and does nothing to stimulate her husband’s desire for her.

This can be frustrating. But that’s not the end of it. The added torment is that the saints know the laws of God forbid them to commit adultery and divorce is the controversy of the denominations. Therefore, they feel trapped in their marriages. They feel the matter is hopeless, and that the situation will never improve. This seems such a damnable prospect. Therefore, the heart is hardened in order to protect itself from further disappointment. When this happens, you will turn to the only place you can find relief . . . the imagination.

This is dangerous, however, because the imagination is capable of creating scenarios and sexual encounters that you will eventually seek fulfillment in the flesh through either masturbation or adultery. In my upcoming book “Saints and Sex”, I will fully discuss the captivity of sexual frustrations. Here it will suffice to say that you can be delivered from this hell. You can trust in the power of the Holy Spirit in your life.

You do not understand all the ramifications of that statement yet, but I promise you the understanding will come as you continue to study the Thought War. For now, try to identify the root of your meanness. Identification is ninety-nine percent of your deliverance.

UNFORGIVENESS

The root of your meanness could be unforgiveness. When you practice denying others affection or loyalty, unforgiveness becomes the ruler of the day. This is nothing more than wrong thinking that is allowed to destroy the love in your relationships. Frustration arises from the thought; to forgive will not punish the offender enough and may gender an attitude of blatant disloyalty.

You feel you cannot allow that to happen. To forgive might make you seem weak and frail in the relationship. Although you believe you will get some satisfaction from denying the offender a loving relationship, in the end you are the one who will suffer the withdrawal pains.

This is masochistic and you will suffer the most. Why inflict this pain on yourself in the name of punishing others in your territorial sphere of influence? Even in the case of marriage, though the Lord holds infidelity as a most legitimate ground for divorce, He did not wish to punish us by failing to apply grace in situations where we know that deep inside we still love and desire the offender.

If he or she is willing to repent of the offense, why suffer the withdrawal pains? Why not forgive and come together again? Isn’t that easier?

THE PURPOSE AND EFFECT OF MEANNESS

When you are mean and hateful, you not only cause others to suppress their feelings for you, but you rob yourself of the supply of the very things you are craving: love, affection, kindness and consideration. You are starving for affection, yet you put up the facade of hard-heartedness to cover up your real disposition.

This mindset could cause others to feel unimportant and unworthy of consideration by you. They will begin to feel inferior to you, and will submit to your control in order to be considered by you. They too desire and need your affection. This can even lead them into a state of lowliness and depression. They will feel as if there is nothing they can do to please you. Therefore, they could label themselves as useless to the relationship and even to society itself.

Even if your meanness is just a cover-up for a feeling of rejection and past offenses that have never been dealt with, it can have a tremendous effect on the ones who love you. It could even lead a weak mind into committing suicide.

RETRIBUTION

You may seek satisfaction through retribution for the indifference you experienced from others in your past or present life. This retribution may be derived by simply enjoying the power you have over the emotions of another. They desire your love and understanding, but there was a time when you desired the same from them or someone else. Now it is your turn. You are now in control of the emotional desires of another. Now you can cause someone else to feel what you felt. You could not do it to the ones who disappointed you in the past, but now you are in control. You have decided to be mean and hateful, disagreeable and indifferent.

Meanness is not captivity for the sons of God: it is a choice. However, it can be selective, purposeful and calculated. Selective means it chooses the ones on which to perpetrate evil. Remember, meanness is learned behavior; you can select the people you will be mean to. Many children observe their parents being kind and loving at church among the saints, but mean and hateful at home. A husband may be patient and tolerant of others, but totally impatient and unyielding with his wife and children.

A wife can be loving and kind to her children, but mean, hateful and forever unforgiving of her husband. The objective might be to hurt or punish the husband for offenses or his failure to cater to her needs. However, when he does cater to her, it is never enough. Remember, you have denied someone of love and kindness. You have refused to be sensitive and considerate. You are disagreeable and hard to get along with.

Consider that when you deny another of your love, understanding, consideration and sensitivity, you also stop them from expressing their love for you. You cause them to suppress their love, while they search for a way to deal with your disposition. Therefore, you can no longer feel their love. So what do you get for being mean; only the satisfaction of knowing you have hurt others.

Meanness is a blatant display of your pride, self- righteousness and idolatry. Once I knew a minister who was also a businessman. But his character was one of meanness and hatefulness toward his children, his daughter-in-laws and even his grand-children. After attending one of my conferences, he became convicted and after much counsel, he finally apologized to them for his unrighteous attitude.

However, it became apparent the apology came about as a result of momentary fear, because soon afterwards, he was back in full ungodly character. It was so easy for him to berate those who really loved him. The fact some of them worked for him in the family business did not make things any better. One day, one of our senior bishops confronted the elderly minister again about his meanness. He replied, “You have to be mean in business.”

Consider the content of this remark because it expresses the mindset of many, many Christians. It says we can treat others like garbage simply because they work for us, and this of course is all right with God. When you are out of character, walking outside the boundaries of the faith, you will convince yourself of the most ludicrous things. One day, one of his sons said to me, “He makes my wife and his granddaughter cry all the time. I think he really enjoys doing that.” The moment he spoke, the Lord said, “That is the truth, meanness does enjoy hurting others.”

I cringed when I heard that. These individuals worked for him. Therefore, he thought nothing of talking down to them and saying malicious things he knew would hurt their feelings. After all, he is the boss, the supreme one. He pays them and they need him. Therefore, they must bow down and accept the humiliation or be gone.

This is pure meanness and hatefulness. However, it is also selective. I noticed that one daughter, who is very vocal and does not work for him is not treated in such a manner. This daughter speaks her own mind and does not acquiesce to anything she does not agree with coming from the father. By her own testimony, the house she grew up in was void of love, compassion and consideration. Instead, it was filled with judgment and cold discipline. She was always belittled and criticized. However, she met the Lord and is born-again. The power of her salvation and the truth she has learned helped her to overcome the offenses of her past by forgiving her abuser.

This is a classic example that confirms meanness as learned behavior. The daughter who we will call Wanda, and the father whom we will refer to as George, had been in the household of faith for more than twenty years when I met them. After sitting under the truth a few weeks, Wanda began to see that her character had traits of meanness and self-righteousness. She realized that she had installed in her own character some of the attributes of her Father. This convicted her and she hastily sought to purge herself of this unrighteousness.

The first step to her deliverance was to admit her true disposition and accept the fact that it was not pleasing to God. Out of concern for her soul and not wanting to hurt others the way she had been hurt, she changed. She is more loving and considerate of others now. She and her husband are closer and he is enjoying her new, more loving disposition.

Though Wanda learned meanness during the years she lived with her father, she was able to destroy that influence simply by agreeing with God. You can do the same. George, on the other hand, remained stubborn and unyielding. He worships his power and authority over people and continues to demand they submit to his control.

The Lord sent myself and at least six other ministers to plead with him to submit to the truth. Nevertheless, he is convinced his charitable deeds will cancel out his lack of godly character. This case was amazing to me because George knows all the facts. He knows none of his family members want to deal with him. He knows he is unable to get any of them to follow him to church. He knows that after more than thirty-five years of salvation, he has absolutely no spiritual influence in their lives.

What is more mind boggling is that he knows he has not walked in the character of Christ. He knows he is mean. These things he has confessed openly. But pride and self-righteousness are strongholds in his life.

While writing this book, the Lord impressed upon me that George’s time is running out. Soon his heart will cease to beat and his eyes will cease to open. Unless there is strong intercession going up for him, these spiritual fetters will never be broken and he will surely end up in hell where his soul will be eternally damned.

Stop and say a prayer for George. The Lord knows him. He is your brother in the Lord. Ask the Father to be merciful enough to bring him to true repentance and humility.

REBELLION

Sometimes meanness is nothing more than your rebellion against the wrongs or denials in your life. You can break free of this mindset. Consider how you felt when you were disappointed by people you loved. Let that be the measuring stick for the way you deal with others. Remember the love they have for you, and don’t allow your meanness to destroy that love. Don’t pretend you don’t care. You do care.

Everyone wants to be loved. The key to your deliverance is vulnerability. You must be willing to become vulnerable again to the people in your life. You must learn to trust the hand of God. He demands you love openly, but He also knows you may get hurt in the process.

Fortunately, He installed in the act of love, the ability to heal itself. Don’t be afraid to love freely again. The power of your own love will heal you, even if you get hurt. Don’t keep pushing your loved ones away with your temperament. Don’t send them away with your hurt and unforgiveness. You need their love. You crave it. Don’t forfeit it.

Whatever the problems, they can be solved. Don’t let it be too late in your life. Do not live in a world of hate and despair. Break out of it and begin to love and consider the ones who love you. Remember, love suffers long and is kind. It is your only hope.

" Father, I thank you for revealing to me the inner workings of meanness and how it affects those I love. Teach me how to forgive and to pray for those who have hurt and despitefully used me.

Perfect love in me, God, so I will not be selfish in my relationships with my fellowman. I will learn to love them the way you have loved me. You have loved me unconditionally in spite of my deficiencies.

Cause me, Father, not to look at others after the flesh, but to discern the disposition of their hearts, which will reveal their love and concern for me. Help me to allow this lesson to become a part of my life.

Thank you for your loving kindness and your patience towards me. I will forever give you the praise" .

In Jesus’ name,

Amen