Dating In The Body Of Christ

Summary Scripture:

1 Timothy 5:1-2 - Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.

In writing this study guide it became apparent that it is necessary to define the term “dating” in the Body of Christ. However, I think for the Body to understand the mind of God concerning this matter, I will have to take the long way around. In doing so, I am praying that many singles in the Body will have a better and more precise concept of dating and relationships they seek to form. First, you must decide if it is the mind of God you seek in this matter. If so, then for the Word to be profitable in your life, you must purpose in your heart to agree with God regardless of His disposition. Here again is another test that will tell whether you are in the faith. It is the heart of the Father for the Body of Christ to revisit the nature of its own creation. We are the Family of God. We are His children. We are all in the same family. There are no alien or foreign households represented in the church. With these facts being established it would be extremely profitable for us to embrace those things that have been lost to the Body regarding social co-habitation.

Friendship & Fellowship

It is so very sad, but most true and pure friendships that extend to social engagements are so strained and stressed with exclusivity, matrimonial connotations and expectations, until they are almost non-existent. What ever happened to friendship and fellowship that is void of sexual attraction? It is very rare that a boy and girl or man and woman in the household of faith decide to attend social engagements simply because they are friends and desire to fellowship together. I must say that this kind of thinking is all but lost in the minds of the church population as a whole. Dating in the church has become an institution defined by lusts, fears and philosophies of those who either crave matrimony or those who are fearful of saints of the opposite sex coming together to enjoy an event or social affair. To say the least the ground rules vary from church to church. The young and the old are confused and in many cases fearful, not knowing how to deal with some of the mindsets that govern “dating.” The word date simply means to set an appointed time to do a particular thing.

As we look further into its secular meaning, we will select Mr. Webster’s definition that is most suited for this study. He defines dating as a social engagement with a person of the opposite sex. The operable word here in this definition is “social”. The implication here is that dating is indeed an institution in which the participants are basically of the same mind and purpose. In that institution, “dating” is designed to allow two individuals of the opposite sex to get to know each other without the pressure of a commitment. But is this the mind of the church? If it were, then it would be easy for young people to enjoy the company of one another without the unnecessary pressures associated with courtship and marriage. Then, “dating” would be the righteous fellowship of two friends. The bottom line in the church should be for two people who are physically or otherwise attracted to each other to date, without commitment but with the intent to find out if this is the person they would like to marry. This is the foundational definition of the term “dating.”

I am afraid that the population in the church has adopted the mind of the world. Non-commitment is a joke in the church. I have yet to see those who enter the institution called “dating”

live through such without committing to the infamous “relationship.” As I write this it becomes more and more apparent that I will have to rely on the Holy Spirit to bring order out of this

confusion. It is also equally apparent that I will have to rely on the conscience of those who read this. It can be despairing to the fleshy mind to embrace the mind of God. Nevertheless, it is His mind that must be the motivation for all that we do.

Exclusivity

The one element that defines the mindset of dating in the church is exclusivity. Dating singles live inside of their so-called relationship as if they are married or at best espoused to one another. In order for us to keep the proper perspective in dating, the individuals involved should understand that dating should not isolate or alienate the participants from others in the Body. Because this exclusivity mindset is so dominate in the dating arena it has gendered an ownership mentality. This is a matrimonial mindset which will bring in kissing, touching and intimate conversations in which the individuals view themselves as exclusive to one another. Judge for yourself through the following:

Example #1

A young lady dates Johnny for four months, Jimmy for nine months, Ricky for one year and Miles for six months in which none of the relationships manifested into marriage. Because of this mindset of exclusivity she became “exclusively” the mate for each one of these men. She was kissed, caressed and had intimate conversations with each one of them for several months. In the end, she is not married to any of them, but her chastity has been compromised by each of them. Is this the heart of the Father for His daughters and sons? I think not, but what does your conscience say?

If we look inside of the priorities that are taken here I am sure we will find sin. Let us go to the intimate conversation that usually takes place on the telephone. In order for these conversations to turn intimate they must refer to those things that are exclusive to husbands and wives. If we were to be honest they are sexually suggestive and arousing. They create a world in the imagination

in which the suggestions are lived out. In actuality, in the site of God sexual intercourse has already taken place. For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). Not only has the chastity of the woman been compromised in such exclusive relationships but also the integrity of the man. Young people are anxious to hear whether intimate kissing is lawful in their relationships, but I ask, “What does the scripture say?”

II Corinthians 13:12

Greet one another with an holy kiss.

If you did not have an exclusive mindset while dating you would see one another as brothers and sisters, thus you would be able to obey the above scripture. But because of the mindset of

exclusivity your sister is now viewed the same way a husband views his wife, or your brother is viewed as a woman views her husband. Therefore, the kiss is no longer holy but has become intimate. A husband and wife are one flesh. They are exclusively for one another, which means his body belongs to her and her body belongs to him. This is not true outside of marriage. Dating does not imply ownership! Each individual should understand the liberality that occurs in this phase of the relationship. They should respect each other’s thoughts and wishes and understand the freedom to go out with other friends. This allows them the freedom to get to know other members of the opposite sex. As that individual spends time dating, he or she can now make a sober decision as to whether they would like to take their relationship with that individual to another level of commitment or remain friends. There should be a mutual understanding between both parties. Dating is complicated when physical and emotional boundaries are crossed.

This gives place to misinterpretation of intentions and motives. It also gives an erroneous view of the relationship. Because the ratio of women to men is about seven to one; there are many women who become desperate when they enter into a relationship. As a result, they began to establish ownership very early in the relationship. They begin to throw themselves into winning his affection and attention. Consequently, they cheapen themselves by offering all that they are to him. They begin to lavish him with gifts, spend excessive amounts of time with him, and basically hand their self-worth over on a silver platter.

If the young man is not spiritually minded, and is driven by lust, he will use this as an occasion to satisfy himself. He may never have any intention of committing to her but will take advantage of her as long as he is able to. Likewise, the man might begin to pay her bills, purchase expensive gifts and become possessive. They both eventually move to a place where they feel a need or obligation to be co-spirited in all decision-making. At this point they have lost individuality. Therefore, there must be spiritual watchers in the house of God who can discern such operations and expose the workings of the enemy. We must destroy the worldly mindsets that prevail in the church regarding dating! The world’s rendition of dating has been adopted and has structured how we entreat each other in the church. This mindset has brought sin inside of relationships. As a result, we have people who become too seriously involved with each other too soon. They skip the “getting to know you part” and rush into the “I love you, let’s get married and start a family part” without even really knowing whether this person is really the one. We have many young marriages in the church that end in

divorce or the couples live in misery. They now must take the time to experience all the things about their spouse that they should have known before they committed to each other.

These are just a few examples of taking what is a good thing and perverting it because of the wrong perspective. When two people come together, there ought to be a mutual understanding of what

we both want so we do not put any unnecessary pressure on the relationship. We must take the shackles off our minds when we enter the dating arena. If we assume a righteous posture and allow

the Holy Ghost to lead and guide us into making any decisions, then we would avoid some of these pitfalls. We must allow a committed relationship to develop out of a friendship, one that

has been agreed upon by both parties. Once the relationship has come to this place then you are ready to move into the exclusive arena of courtship.

Courtship - The Next Level

There are some distinct differences between dating and courtship. Where dating is not exclusive and does not take a person out of the arena, courtship is and does. When a relationship moves into courtship the mutual agreement says, “I am committed to you and I am sure that you are the one I am going to marry.” Just as dating is a mutual agreement, so is courtship. Relative to dating and courtship, too often we have two people in a relationship at different stages of the relationship. This is a very emotionally dangerous place to be for both parties involved.

Example #2

Let us look at a very common operation in the church. A young man might have determined in his heart before he asks the young lady out for a date that he wants to marry her. So, he asks her to

date him with the intentions of making her his wife. The woman accepts and begins to date the young man with the intentions of getting to know if this is someone who could potentially be her

husband. He is courting but she is dating. He proceeds to pour on the affection and this causes the young lady to eventually decide, “Yes, this is the person I want to marry,” and she begins to get very emotionally attached to him. He has brought her to a place where she is ready for courtship. But, he is also becoming aware of some things in her character that are not so attractive to him

anymore. He then starts to withdraw his affection and ultimately decides to break off the relationship. In the meantime, the young lady whose hopes had been built up by this young man is now

devastated by his change of heart. Therefore, it is so important that we understand and appreciate the true purpose of dating. For dating, courtship or marriage to be successful, you must

first form a strong healthy relationship with the Father. You must respect the spiritual guidelines that govern relationships. Remember, your focus must be anchored in the purpose of God

for your life. He is your Father and He knows what is best. Seek to honor His wisdom. Trust His counsel and submit to His will. You must take the posture that the Father is able to make you happy even without a mate. Satan will challenge this, but you must be steadfast in your conviction that says the Holy Ghost is indeed a Comforter.